In my non-writing life, I am a dog professional. I hang out with dogs of all varieties basically all day long every day. In this line of work, I have learned more than I never knew there was to know about dogs, including things like “how to express an anal gland” and “how to tell when a dog is about to bite you” and “what dog slobber tastes like.” The latter was an unfortunate inevitability….
But perhaps the most useful thing I have learned in my current line of work is what popular breeds of dogs you should absolutely under no circumstances acquire, oh my god. These are my top 5 popular asshole dog breeds.
5. Boxers
Have you ever wanted a dumb, high-energy animal strong enough to pull a linebacker up stairs to live in your house? No? Then don’t get a fucking boxer. As intelligence goes, boxers are basically at the bottom of the rung. There is nothing going on in there except a running monologue of I LIKE TO JUMP I LIKE TO JUMP I LIKE TO JUMP. Boxers have so much energy most of them literally can’t sit still, even if you do manage to teach them what the command means. I have watched boxers play for an hour, finally lay down to rest, then leap back up again a second later for another hour of playing. They’re solid muscle and they have no off switch. Good luck getting that under control.
4. Bulldogs
I don’t know why people continue to buy dogs without first researching what they were bred to do. And when it comes to in-bred traits, bulldogs have it the worst. As the name implies, they were bred to work with bulls. More specifically, they were bred to make bulls really fucking mad while wrestling them to the ground. Bulldogs achieved this by being dumb enough to get up in a bull’s face, and persistent enough to keep hitting it and biting it and harrassing it until it tried to murder them, which they came to interpret as a sign that they were doing well. This is why no matter how much you correct a bulldog, they will take your irritation as encouragement and keep right on gnawing on your knees. Sounds like a great pet, huh? And all this is before you take into consideration the massive medical issues that come standard with the breed.
3. Shiba Inus
These dogs are gaining popularity in the U.S., but god knows why. I mean, yeah they look like foxes, but they’re also snobby, they make horrible shrieking noises, and they hate everyone, including their owners. They’re basically cats, but without the brains. If you’re considering getting a shiba, just get a cat, because that’s what you really want.
2. Golden Retrievers
I don’t understand why this is the go-to dog for first-time dog owners and families. They’re suppose to be smart and friendly, but in my experience most golden retrievers exist right at the intersection of “stupid” and “mean.” Forget pitbulls–they’re actually really sweet most of the time–the #1 most common no-mix, dog-and-person-aggressive dog we have at work is…well actually it’s chihuahuas, but #2 is golden retrievers. Who decided this was a good first-timer dog? They’re dumb, aggressive, and they chew on/eat everything, including themselves, which can mean a lot of vet bills. And that goes double for “golden doodles.” DO NOT GET ONE OF THOSE.
1. CORGIS
Fuck corgis. I know they look all silly with their big ears and cute butts and stubby legs, but seriously, fuck corgis. Did you know that corgis were actually bred for herding? And that, like most herding dogs, they love to nip at ankles and run circles around things and try to control everything happening around them? And I mean everything. I have literally watched a corgi try to herd water before. Except unlike other herding dogs, they’re tiny, so people think they’re cute and don’t require discipline, and they’re also pretty dumb, so you can’t really train them out of their horrible ways. The result is an entire breed of tiny, dumb, ankle-biting devils. Corgis are so consistently terrible that they’re the only small-dog breed we have a blanket rule about: corgis do not go with the other small dogs. Because they will murder the other small dogs. Do not get a corgi. Don’t do it. JUST DON’T.
Furrily yours,
M.M. Jordahl
“Dogs never bite me. Just humans.” -Marilyn Monroe
M.M. Jordahl 
So fun to read! I was so worried I’d see a Dane make your lost, so I’m glad that didn’t happen.
I love Danes! They’re so sweet. Unfortunately, they come with a lot of health issues, though. Most of them only live seven or eight years. :(
Yes, that is the downside isn’t it. And when you take on rescues there is even less time with them. Keep up the good work!
I’m going to take this to heart with one exception – your satire about boxers. I’ve had many over there years. Most of them are are highly trainable clowns! Energetic, yes. Super playful, yes. Assholes, NO.
Of course I meant over *the* years. And, I do relish your writing.
Since you brought up pit bulls, weren’t they also bred for bull baiting? I know they leash pull like crazy.
I should have read this before adopting a golden retriever.
The comment on Shiba Inu is right on except the intelligence of this breed. I have been a companion of this breed, before everyone wanted them, for 20 years. They are very intelligent, you basically learn to live around each other, they are not the breed of dog that wants to learn a bunch of circus tricks although they are more than capable. They are a breed that bonds with one person and trust can be broken easily. Not a dog to be off a leash, not a dog for someone that has no patience, it is an indoor outdoor dog. They can be on a farm or an apartment. They love to walk and ride in vehicles. The two I have now, one has never barked (2.5 years old) the other only speaks when asked to. They do play very hard, like they’re really fighting. I love them, but they are not for evryone.