Movie Reviews

Once upon a time, I was a reviewer for now-defunct movie website Here are some archived copies of my reviews there.

Lawless: In Which Shia LaBeouf Cries A Lot
Premium Rush: Fixie Bikes Are the Best

August 2012
Hit & Run: Conflict Resolution Theory Can Solve Anything

Celeste & Jesse Forever: Holy Crap This Movie Is Sad
The Expendables 2: Sylvester Stallone is Still Unintelligible

The Odd Life of Timothy Green: Magical Children are Perfect Children!

ParaNorman: Zombies are People, Too

Sparkle: Following Your Dreams is a Bad Idea

Ruby Sparks: Manic Pixie Girls, Rejoice!

The Campaign: Let’s Elect a Douchebag!
The Bourne Legacy: In Which Nighthawk Gets Chased A Lot
The Imposter: Seriously, Guys–Fingerprints

Total Recall: Yes, They Kept the Chick with the 3 Boobs

Hope Springs: Three Cheers for Old People Sex!

July 2012
The Watch: How Not to Battle Aliens
Step Up: Revolution: Heyyy Macarena!
Grassroots: A Polar Bear in Politics
Ice Age: Continental Drift: The More Talking Animals the Messier
Savages: Why the MPAA Needs a Suck Rating
Katy Perry: Part of Me: Being a Superstar Isn’t Easy
To Rome With Love: Like Four Movies in One

June 2012
Magic Mike: Woo!
People Like Us: Sometimes Dads are Assholes
Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Witness Protection: Protect Me From This Movie
Brave: Pixar is a Heartwarming Bastard
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World: More Rom-Coms Should End with an Apocalypse
That’s My Boy: I Can’t Believe You Made Me Watch This

Rock of Ages: The Movie You Didn’t Know You Were Dying To See

Earthbound: The Cutest Alien Movie You’ve Ever Seen

Snow White and the Huntsman: For Gondor!

Madagascar 3: Best Seen While High

Prometheus: Ridley Scott Made Alien Again

May 2012
Chernobyl Diaries: Everything That’s Wrong With Modern Horror Movies

Men in Black III: Just Like You Remember

Battleship: Apparently “And Then It Exploded” Counts as Plot Now

Dark Shadows: Barnabas Collins, the Man of Many Personalities

Girl in Progress: Most Self-Aware Coming of Age Story Ever

Death of a Superhero: Depressing and Funny Make a Strange Combination
The Avengers: If the Movie Turns Out to be Brilliant, is it Still Hype?

April 2012
The Raven: Best Enjoyed With a Healthy Dose of Sarcasm
The Five-Year Engagement: Color Me Flabbergasted
The Lucky One: Exactly What You Expect From Nicholas Sparks
Think Like A Man: Because Love is a War, and Nobody is Winning
Cabin in the Woods: Joss Whedon is a God Among Screenwriters
The Three Stooges: In Which the Three Stooges Sucks and No One is Surprised
American Reunion: Proof That Four-quels Don’t Have to Suck

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