Welcome to the second installment of Drunk Movie Monday! Yes, this is actually going to be a thing from now until I get bored of it. This month, we’re sticking with the sci-fi theme, but taking it back a couple of decades to the 80s. Really, just about any film from the 80s is a good choice for watching drunk, but this one is particularly well suited for a number of reasons. Emily & I stumbled upon it while surfing Netflix in search of something entertaining to watch, and boy did it deliver. Ladies, gents, & all in-between, I present to you:
The film: Gor (1987)
The premise: Okay, so there’s this math professor with the hots for his teaching assistant, who’s dating this dickhead, and then the professor gets transported via magical ring inherited from his father onto a distant desert planet full of barbarians. On this barbarian world, ladies are basically sex slaves, and there’s a lot of random violence and skirmishes for no reason. The rest of the film follows the professor and a scantily-clad crew of barbarians, including a very sexy lady barbarian, as they overthrow the evil barbarian warlord of the planet. At least, that’s what I think is happening. Like most drunk movie candidates, the plot of this film is more than a little bit unclear, even when you’re sober. In the end, the professor finds confidence in his own manhood and stands up to his hot lady TA’s dickhead boyfriend in order to win her over, because, you know, that’s not weird or creepy at all.
There isn’t a theatrical trailer for Gor on YouTube, but here’s a short clip:
Why you should watch it: Assuming you are the kind of person who enjoys watching the artistic failures of others, Gor is a goddamn national treasure. Not only is the plot impossible to follow, but it takes itself incredibly seriously. Nobody working on this film is in on the joke; they all think they’re making the Lord of the Rings (of course it was made before the LotR films, but you catch my meaning). It’s even adapted from a wildly popular book series by the same name, which is known for its highly sexualized, BDSM-based society, so they clearly thought they were pandering to a captive audience. This perhaps explains the complete lack of pants in this film. Like, seriously, nobody on Gor wears pants. Funnily enough, fans of the Gor books hate the film for diverging too much from the series, while general audiences panned it for being sexist and exploitative.
Despite how seriously it takes itself, Gor has pretty much nothing going for it. The plotting is impossible to follow; the dialogue is almost entirely over-dubbed, and poorly so; the characters are undefined and often come and go without explanation; the sets are, at best, unexceptional; the special effects hilariously unconvincing; and oh my god, do not even get me started on the fight choreography. It’s like Monty Python-level ridiculous, except it’s not a joke. If you ever wanted to see somebody literally collapse and “die” after someone fails to hit them with a sword, this movie is your ticket. Add in the fact that the protagonist somehow manages to have no personality whatsoever and also be a huge douchebag, and you have an hour and a half of sheer drunken win.
The drinking game: At the beginning of each scene, drink once for every character who is not wearing pants. You will make it about 10 minutes into the film before having to drink at all, and then five minutes later you will have trouble distinguishing up from down.
Bonus: Drink for fabulously impractical hats.
Where it’s available: Netflix. Because Netflix is god.
“Just remember to hold me, and treat me like a slave.” -lady barbarian Talena, who is of course a Strong Female CharacterTM